I’ve spent this past week in bed doing what most men do when they have the slightest case of anything: suffering. And as I lay there contemplating how much time I may or may not have left on planet Earth I learned a few things. And in honor of my bestie Laurie (aka Crazy Aunt Purl), I made a list:

What I’ve Learned in Bed This Week by Drew Emborsky, aka wimpysickdude

1. Dogs and cats and fish have needs that do not stop just because the thought of becoming vertical makes you want to cry. And while dogs will do everything they can to cause you to feel like you WANT to go let them out to potty (for example), a cat will just throw up a hairball on your chest to send the message. Fish just go belly up. Theoretically I mean….moving on.

2. Harry Potter starts off like a dream come true for any little kid that feels like escaping from real life would be the answer to all his problems. But then it goes very very badly, and I wonder if anyone would truly want to be told he’s a wizard if he knew all that that implied. Plus in a feverish delirium one can get too caught up in a fictional Quidditch game. Just saying.

3. Facebook friends know everything. Like when in said delirium you can’t figure out why one family of wizards is poor when they are in fact wizards for crying out loud!! C’mon, why the second-hand books? Why the hand-me down dress robes? Then your Facebook friends teach you a lesson about how love is more important than “things”, and also there something called The Five Principal Exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration. I’ll let you Google that.

4. Labradors have healing powers:

5. Some friends offer to bring you food, magazines, anything you need. Some friends don’t.

6. Pivotal decisions should NOT be made when you’re under the weather (and in my case laying in bed feeling sorry for myself). “I’m selling this house and moving to Aruba” – “Tamaya should have another puppy to play with” – “I would look so good with purple hair” – “I bet if I wrote to JK Rowling and asked her to come visit me she totally would”, etc

7. Despite the blurring in my mind between HarryPotterland and reality, dishes do NOT wash themselves. And you can order Butterbeer off Amazon.

8. Also there should be a button on Amazon that says “click here if you think you’re getting sick” and it completely disables the ordering system until you can prove you are once again in your right mind. Chandler and Cleocatra may or may not be currently protesting the new robotic litter box that is now in the laundry room. Just saying. Robotic. Smh

9. If you want to get over a hundred comments on just one post on Facebook tell people the toppings you put on your sandwiches. Like peanut butter and mayo on a bologna sandwich. I swear to you it’s amazing.

10. Zayn isn’t coming back.

11. Drawing a circle is hard, but Zentangling in the not-so-perfect circles is fun!

12.  Chicken soup really does make you feel better. But so do tacos. And Hawaiian pizza.

13. Watching the white witch kill Aslan never gets easier and no matter how well they did making these movies, the books are infinitely better.

14. Just before the fever breaks you can have some freaky dreams that incorporate a lot of the things that you have learned over the week, like Zentangling in the sky while riding a broom and eating a weird sandwich,  while your labrador orders a puppy-sister off Amazon.

I’m sure I’ve learned other things this week in bed but they are lost in the haze of marathon movie watching and fitful bouts of sleep. I’m on the mend now and am so grateful for all the well-wishes this week. I’m hoping to be fully back in the land of the living by the end of the weekend.

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